Sami Barh

1. Suami aku tanya 'Are you O.k? Nampak relax saja'
I have come to the point of saturation. Even if I feel panicked, sad and disappointed, those feeling are not going to help me anymore. I had enough crying, I had enough nighmares and that is not the only way out. I have come to the point that without this I am not going to die. The failure in this does not necessarily mean the failure of a lifetime. At least I know, the people who need to know about this, are aware that this is not my own doing. It is fated. As a muslim, it is important to accept the fact that qada dan qadar adalah ketentuan Allah. Kita sebagai hamba hanya mampu berusaha dan bertawakal. Berdoa adalah penting, tapi Allah yang maha mengetahui segala-galanya. If today I do not learn to accept the failure in life, I will never be able to learn in the future.

2. I have deleted all the messages that I had kept in my txt mobile. The messages that I keep for sentimental value had gone. Neither I regret of keeping the txt, nor I regret of deleting it. In life we have to go on. I wonder if Nancy was being given a thought whether she regreted when she died, she may have a different answer. But life goes on. We live and we eventually die. We should try to live to the best of what we have. That is what I am trying to do. I am looking forward to the life even if it has to spell the failure in my study.

3. Last night I watched a programme on TV about the financial crisis here. I was not the type of person who would normally hook on that kind of programmes eventhough most of the time my eyes were fixed on the square box. But last night, I watched until the end. It was a story about a saudi born guy. He had his PhD from LSE ( one of the top business school if it is not in the world, but it is definately the top in UK)in economics. I tought ' how lucky he is!'. He did not only graduate from the top school, but he also had a work at the top investment bank in UK. He was married to a pretty english girl. He was young, gorgeous, highly educated and had a good job.

During the crisis of the oil market last year, he disappeared from his desk. Tracing through the cctv, they managed to finally find him. But he was dead by then - commiting suicide. The company he left behind had nearly gone in bankrupt beacuse of the crisis. The impact of that potential bankruptcy, has 20 times more on the whole financial mkt because about 20 other big banks invested in the bank. It nearly brought the whole financial mkt in uk down.

The government being over suspicious, suspect that he was one of the terrorist that was trying to bring down the economy in this country. Later they found that, it was the boss (an english) that caused the chaos. But what can we do, nasi sudah menjadi bubur.

The sad thing for me was that, when the police interogate his wife and asked her ' Was her husband a parctice muslim?'
Her answer was NO.

Rasa keinsafan dalam diri, a saudi born person, who I normally assume as someone who at least have more knowledge to Islam, died in such a pitiful way. He intially had everything a human is hoping for, good qualification from the top university, good job at the top banking company, pretty wife, what else can you ask for.

God has answered all his prayers. This incident happened last year 2003 during the oil crisis. He just work for 6 months after he got his PhD. Tapi bila Tuhan nak ambil nyawa macam-macam Dia uji. Bagi Sami aku rasa ujian dalam bentuk harta benda dan kemewahan. Sekejap saja tuhan tarik semuanya. Maut datang bila-bila saja. Baik dari sebatang screw masuk kat kepala, sahinggalah sengaja membunuh diri, cari pasal.

Banyak pengajaran aku dapat dalam cerita ini dalam masa tersingkat. Mungkin kemudian hari, bila diimbas semula, lebih banyak pengajaran yang akan aku dapat. Semua ini perlu dihalusi. Malamnya sampai aku termimpi-mimpi. Kesannya begitu mendalam dalam diri aku. Besok paginya, tak sabar-sabar aku cerita pada suami aku yang tekun melihat bersama rancangan tersebut, tetapi tertidur keletihan pada pertengahan rancangan.

Sebagai hamba yang lemah, aku berdoa agar, Janganlah dugaan yang Allah beri di dunia menjadikan kita lupa pada yang maha pencipta. Bila kita mati, apa yang akan kita bawa bersama. PhD from LSE, pretty wife, good job tak semestinya menjanji pulangan yang lumayan dihadapan mata Allah.

Atas batu jemala patek@ 2004-12-10;1:37 p.m.

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mental drain - 2005-03-18
Surprise! Surprise - 2005-03-17
second class citizen - 2005-03-16
ice breaking session - 2005-03-15
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